Open Question: Have I committed the Unforgivable Sin?

Jun 7, 2012 // by SueBennett // Blog // No Comments

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Well basically about 8 months ago, my personal life wasn’t how I wanted it to be. Even though I had managed to fulfill almost everything that I wanted to, through the Power of God, my personal life was the only thing that I had left unfulfilled. I, in my vanity, said that I was solely responsible for my successes and not God. Before this I was a very strong believer in God, and I’d even talk to other people about God and the importance of accepting him and Jesus Christ. However, somehow after this, when I was very sad, I decided that God is not real. (It wasn’t all at once, it was a slower process). First I decided that I no longer believe in God, and listened to all the atheist arguments that I could find. I decided that God is not real. So I even told my friends that there is no God. I still kept praying for a little while, but I no longer truly believed. Then I also dropped the praying… but even though I dropped it, after a while, one night I found myself saying my usual prayer at night before going to sleep. I became angry at myself, saying that I thought I dropped this stuff. Then I got interested into other religions. I found buddhism, and other eastern philosophies centered around meditation. So I started practicing meditation to deal with my sadness mainly… and one thing that I noticed was that everything started to disappear from my life. What I mean was that I started to feel indifferent to everything, even to myself. I no longer had pleasure and happiness, but I didn’t have suffering either. So I stayed in this situation, talking to people against our Lord, denying His Existence. I truly believed that God didn’t exist… One night I woke up in the middle of the night really scared… I didn’t know why I was scared, but I felt an evil presence around me and I was literarily trembling… meditation wasn’t helping… So I started praying… And the prayer relaxed me, and I finally fell asleep again… But the next morning I was angry at myself again, saying that I fall to such weaknesses to believe in an inexistant God… And at that point I thought that even if I wanted to, I can’t accept God anymore… I just felt I can’t accept the notion of God anymore… I started considering it barbaric… I just couldn’t understand anymore how anyone could accept any such concept of a personal God… I accepted the concept of “God is all” and the eastern idea that we are God in our deepest core, but I couldn’t accept the idea of a personal God… it just didn’t make sense to me all of a sudden… So I continued for a few months on this path… I started to be overcome by worries, and my life started to be an uphill battle against those worries about everything. I have OCD, but the number of my worries increased. I also started to be very concerned with death… I tried to learn what happens after, and I started to believe, partly, the theory of reincarnation. But all this while, my life had gotten worse… I started to lose my success, and had it not been for the momentum I gained in the past I would be a lot worse today… I started to realize that meditation, and my search for enlightenment, was all meaningless. It only made me less sensible to reality… I couldn’t enjoy things anymore, and I couldn’t feel pain either. I now realize God’s true intention… we need to know pain in order to know happiness, it’s opposite. By trying to numb one, we automatically numb the other. So I finally started to reconsider God when I watched a near death experience video of a man who saw Jesus in it. I started to research, and I saw Jesus was in many people’s near death experience, and He was also the only One to appear out of all people. This made me think that I may have been wrong, that maybe Jesus IS who He claimed to be. So I started watching and reading about proof of Jesus being the Son of God. After about 2 days of watching everything I could find, I am convinced that He is indeed the Son of God, which means that I’ve made a serious mistake in talking badly about God to others and trying to influence them not to believe in God anymore, denying his existence, and selfishly claiming that everything I have is due to myself. I started praying again, and asked Jesus and God for being forgived… But these terrible thoughts come into my mind: “What if you can’t be forgiven? You committed the unforgivable sin… Even you yourself said that you can’t believe in God anymore… It’s too late to be forgiven… You can’t believe in God even if you want to”

These are the thoughts I keep getting, even though I KNOW that Im willing to believe after all the evidence I’ve seen and read about. After all this, I KNOW that God MUST be REAL! Can my sins be forgiven?
There are also some thoughts that I get which tell me that God is merciful, and God loves me, and will forgive me. But then these negative thoughts don’t leave me, and I don’t know what to believe anymore… I want to believe in God… I want Jesus to come into my heart once again!!! I want to live with God, I want to feel His LOVE!
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